What surprised you most about becoming a mother?

Why this question works

This question asks for honesty in a kind way. "What surprised you" does not ask whether it was hard or easy, good or bad. It simply invites your mother to compare what she expected with what happened, and that lets her tell the truth with warmth and humor. Most mothers have a great deal to say and have seldom been asked.

The answer shows you your mother as a person in her own right. Before she was the one who knew how to do everything, she was a new mom working it out one day at a time. You may hear about the fierce love that caught her off guard, how little she slept, how much her own mother suddenly made sense to her. If you are a parent yourself, or about to become one, her answer is some of the most useful and comforting wisdom you will ever be given. If you are not, it is still a moving way to learn how your arrival changed her life.

How to ask it

Ask it one on one, at a calm moment. Mother's Day and your own birthday are natural occasions, and so is any time a new baby arrives in the family. A cup of tea and no deadline are all the preparation you need.

Let her know you want the real answer. You might say, "I have always wondered what it was actually like for you." Then listen without correcting or reassuring. If she mentions things she found difficult, thank her for telling you. If she laughs about how unprepared she was, laugh with her. Follow her lead, and ask what she would tell her younger self on the day she brought you home.

Other ways to word it

• What did nobody tell you about being a mom?
• How was motherhood different from what you imagined?
• What caught you off guard when I was born?
• What did becoming a mother teach you about yourself?

Follow-up ideas

• What did you think it would be like before I arrived?
• What turned out to be easier than you expected?
• What turned out to be harder?
• Who did you call when you needed help?
• When did you start to feel you knew what you were doing?
• What did you understand about your own mother after that?
• What would you tell a brand new mom today?

An example answer

This is an invented example, written to show the kind of detail to listen for. Your mom’s answer will be her own.

"How little I knew, and how fast I learned. I had read three books. I had a chart on the refrigerator. You had not read the books. In the first week you threw out every plan I had, and I remember sitting on the edge of the bathtub at four in the morning thinking, I have no idea what I am doing, and they just let me walk out of the hospital with her."

"The other surprise was the opposite. I did not expect to love the boring parts. I thought I would love the big milestones. What I actually loved was the weight of you asleep on my chest and the way you held one of my fingers with your whole hand. And I called my mother that month and apologized for everything I did between the ages of thirteen and nineteen. She laughed for a full minute and said, 'I have been waiting for this call.'"

What to write down

Write down what your mom expected and what really happened, side by side. Record who helped her in the first weeks and the best piece of advice she was given. Note the moment she began to feel sure of herself. Add what she would say to a brand new mother today, in her own words. If you are expecting, that last line is the one to keep close.

The Tell Me Your Story, Mom journal asks a question like this one in the chapter about the day you arrived, with a full page for her answer. It is an honest page, and one a daughter or son may read very closely when they have a baby of their own.

See the Tell Me Your Story, Mom journal. For more ideas, read questions to ask your parents or browse family and parenting questions.