What do you hope for me as I grow up?

Why this question works

Many grown children imagine their parents' hopes as a list of expectations: a certain career, a certain kind of life. When you actually ask, the answer is usually much kinder than that. Parents tend to hope for things like good friends, work that feels worthwhile, someone to love and the confidence to be yourself. Hearing that can lift a weight you did not know you were carrying.

It is also a way of receiving a blessing. A parent's hopes are a kind of love that looks forward, and saying them out loud turns a private wish into something you can hold on to. The question works at every age. A child hears encouragement. A teenager hears that they are trusted. An adult hears that their parent is still on their side and still cheering. Whatever stage you are at, it is good to know exactly what the people who raised you are wishing for you.

How to ask it

Choose a threshold moment if one is near: a birthday, a graduation, a new job, a move, the night before a wedding. These are times when parents are already thinking about it, and the question simply opens the door. A quiet, private setting matters, because this is a heartfelt answer.

Ask it openly, without bracing for criticism, and make it clear you want their hopes, not their instructions. Then listen all the way through. You might ask them to write it down as well, in a card or a journal, so you have it to reread. And tell them, in return, what you hope for them. Parents are not often asked about their own next chapter, and they are moved when someone does.

Other ways to word it

• What do you wish for me in the years ahead?
• When you imagine my future, what do you hope is in it?
• What do you most want for my life?
• What kind of person do you hope I keep becoming?

Follow-up ideas

• Did your parents ever tell you what they hoped for you?
• What did you hope for me on the day I was born?
• Have your hopes for me changed as I have grown?
• What do you see in me that makes you hopeful?
• What do you hope I never lose?
• What do you hope I learn sooner than you did?
• What do you hope we always do together?

An example answer

This is an invented example, written to show the kind of detail to listen for. Your mom’s answer will be her own.

"I used to think I wanted big things for you. The best school, the important job. I do not care about any of that now. I hope you have a kitchen table with people around it who make you laugh. I hope you find work that you do not dread on Sunday night. I hope that when something goes wrong, you call someone and do not try to carry it alone, because you get that from me and it is not our best quality."

"I hope you stay curious. You have asked 'why' about everything since you were two, and I never want the world to talk you out of it. And I hope you know, on the ordinary days and not only the hard ones, how thoroughly you are loved. That is the whole list. Notice there is nothing on it about being perfect. I never needed that from you. I just hope you are happy, and that you are kind, and you already are."

What to write down

Write your parent's hopes down as they said them, one to a line. Record anything they remembered about what their own parents hoped for them. Add what they see in you that makes them hopeful. Then write what you hope for them on the same page, and date it. Ask them to sign it. A parent's hopes in their own words are worth keeping where you will see them.

The closing chapter of the Tell Me Your Story journals for Mom and Dad is written to the next generation, and a question like this one has a page there. It gives a parent room to put their hopes for you into words you can keep.

See the Tell Me Your Story, Dad journal or the Tell Me Your Story, Mom journal. For more ideas, read questions to ask your parents or browse advice and life lessons questions.