How did you choose my name?

Why this question works

Your name was one of the first decisions your parents made about you, and there is always a story in it. Sometimes it honors someone in the family. Sometimes it came from a book, a place or a baby name guide with the corners turned down. Sometimes one parent simply won. Whatever the answer, it tells you what your mom and dad were thinking and hoping in the months before you arrived.

This question is personal in the nicest way. It is about you, and it is also about them as a young couple imagining a child. It often turns up family history you did not know: the relative you were named after, what she was like, why she mattered. And it is quick to ask. It works on the phone, in a text message or across a holiday table, which makes it a good first question if longer conversations about the past are not yet a habit in your family.

How to ask it

Ask both parents if you can, separately at first, because their versions may differ in entertaining ways. A birthday is the ideal day for it. So is the moment when someone in the family is expecting and names are being discussed anyway.

Ask with curiosity and no complaint, even if you have never loved your name. You are asking for the story, and the story usually makes a name easier to like. Be sure to ask what else was on the list. The names you nearly had are always a highlight, and your parents will enjoy your reaction.

Other ways to word it

• Where did my name come from?
• Was I named after someone?
• What other names did you consider for me?
• Who had the final say on my name?

Follow-up ideas

• Did you two agree right away?
• What would my name have been if I had been a boy, or a girl?
• Where did my middle name come from?
• What did the grandparents think of the choice?
• When did you decide for certain?
• Did I have a nickname before I was born?
• Does my name suit me the way you imagined?

An example answer

This is an invented example, written to show the kind of detail to listen for. Your mom’s answer will be her own.

"We had a list taped inside the kitchen cabinet for months, so that visitors would not see it and offer opinions. Your dad kept adding names of baseball players, and I kept crossing them off. We agreed on almost nothing."

"Then, about a month before you were due, I was going through a box of my grandmother's things and found her school report card, with her full name written out in beautiful handwriting. I had only ever known her as Nana. I read her name out loud in the empty room, and it just sounded like you. I called your dad at work, and he was quiet for a second, and then he said, 'That is the one.' Your middle name was his choice. I let him have that, and I have mostly forgiven him."

What to write down

Write down where each of your names came from: first, middle and any family name. If you were named after someone, record that person's full name, how they were related and a line about what they were like. List the names that were considered and turned down, and who suggested each one. Note who made the final decision and when. Your own children may ask you this one day.

The Tell Me Your Story journals for Mom and Dad ask a question like this one in the chapter about the day you arrived, with a full page for the answer. It is a page children of any age turn to first, because it is about them.

See the Tell Me Your Story, Mom journal or the Tell Me Your Story, Dad journal. For more ideas, read questions to ask your parents or browse family and parenting questions.