What makes a marriage last?

Why this question works

The words "in your experience" are what make this question work. You are not asking for a rule that applies to everyone. You are asking what was true in their own kitchen, between two particular people, and nobody can argue with that. It lets your grandparent speak plainly, without having to sound wise.

The answers are nearly always practical and often funny. Say thank you. Let the small things go. Keep a sense of humor. Never go to bed without saying goodnight. Simple as they sound, each one usually has a story behind it, and that story is the real treasure. This is a question that grandchildren find themselves returning to years later, at their own engagement or in their own first year of marriage. Having the answer in a grandparent's own words is a wedding present that costs nothing.

How to ask it

An anniversary is the perfect occasion, and so is the engagement of someone in the family. Ask it as a real request for advice, because it is one. If both grandparents are there, ask each of them separately and compare notes; their answers are often different, and the difference makes everyone laugh.

Be sincere. Lean in and listen, and ask for an example from their own life. "Can you remember a time that helped?" turns a slogan into a story. If your grandparent's marriage had rough stretches, they may mention them. Let them say as much or as little as they like, and thank them for being honest with you.

Other ways to word it

• What is the secret to staying married for so long?
• What did the two of you do that kept you close?
• What would you tell a couple who are just starting out?
• What did you learn about marriage in the first few years?

Follow-up ideas

• What did you two do when you disagreed?
• What did you do together just for fun?
• Who was the first to say sorry?
• What is a small habit that made a big difference?
• What did your own parents' marriage teach you?
• What surprised you about being married?
• What do you appreciate now that you did not notice at first?

An example answer

This is an invented example, written to show the kind of detail to listen for. Your grandma’s answer will be her own.

"People want a big answer, and it is a small one. Be kind in the little things. Your grandfather brought me a cup of tea every morning for fifty-one years. He never once asked if I wanted it. He just set it down by the bed. I pressed his shirts the way he liked, with the crease in the sleeve, even when I was annoyed with him. Especially then."

"We argued, of course we did. He was stubborn and I am worse. But we had one rule: nobody leaves the house angry. Sometimes that meant standing in the hallway with our coats on for twenty minutes until one of us started laughing. And we always had something to look forward to together, even if it was only a drive to the lake on Sunday. That is my whole secret. Tea, a rule about the door, and a Sunday drive."

What to write down

Write the advice down in your grandparent's exact words, as a short list if that is how it came. Under each point, add the story or the habit that goes with it. Note the year they married and how many years they have shared. If both grandparents answer, keep their lists separate and label them. Copy the page for anyone in the family who is getting married.

A question like this one comes near the end of the love chapter in the Tell Me Your Story journals for grandparents, on a page of its own. Written by hand, the answer becomes something a grandchild can read again on their own wedding day.

See the Tell Me Your Story, Grandpa journal or the Tell Me Your Story, Grandma journal. For more ideas, read questions to ask your grandparents or browse love and marriage questions.