What are you most grateful for?

Why this question works

Gratitude is a happy thing to talk about, and it is a subject people grow better at with age. A parent or grandparent has had time to see which things lasted and which fell away. When they name what they are thankful for, they are telling you what turned out to matter: certain people, good health, work they could be proud of, a second chance, a place they love.

You may also hear your own name. That is not the reason to ask, but it is a lovely thing when it happens. And the answer often includes people and events you knew nothing about: the teacher who paid a fee, the stranger who gave a ride, the year that looked like bad luck and proved to be a turning point. It is an ideal question for anyone who finds heavier topics hard to begin, because it looks back over a life from its brightest side.

How to ask it

Thanksgiving is the famous occasion, and it works well there, but the question is even better on an ordinary day when nobody expects it. Ask it at the end of a meal, on a walk or during a quiet phone call. One on one, people give a more personal answer than they do in front of a full table.

Ask it sincerely and give them a moment to think. If the first answer is general, such as "my family" or "my health," gently ask for a particular: which day, which person, which moment comes to mind. Then offer your own answer in return. Gratitude is most enjoyable as a conversation, and it is a fine chance to tell them what you are grateful to them for.

Other ways to word it

• When you look back, what are you most thankful for?
• What do you feel lucky to have had in your life?
• Who are you most grateful to, and for what?
• What good thing in your life do you never take for granted?

Follow-up ideas

• Was there a time you nearly missed out on that?
• Who helped you when you really needed it?
• What hard time are you grateful for now, looking back?
• What small everyday thing are you thankful for?
• Did you always feel this way, or did it come with age?
• Is there someone you never got to thank properly?
• What do you hope I will be grateful for one day?

An example answer

This is an invented example, written to show the kind of detail to listen for. Your grandpa’s answer will be his own.

"Your grandmother, first and always. But you knew I would say that. If you want something you do not know, I am grateful to a man whose name I never learned. When I was seventeen I was hitchhiking to the city to look for work with two dollars in my pocket, and a salesman picked me up in the rain."

"He drove me forty miles out of his way, bought me a plate of eggs and gave me the address of a friend who was hiring. I got the job. I met your grandmother at that job. So everything, this house, your mother, you, goes back to a stranger who pulled over. I think about him every time I see somebody on the side of the road. I am grateful for my health and for this porch and for coffee in the morning. But mostly I am grateful that people are kinder than you would expect."

What to write down

Write down each thing your parent or grandparent names, and the story behind it. Record the people they are thankful to, with full names where they know them. Note the hard time they are now glad of, and why. Then add what you are grateful to them for, and read it to them. Date the page. You could ask the question again in a few years and compare.

All four Tell Me Your Story journals, for Grandma, Grandpa, Mom and Dad, ask a question like this one in the chapter on life lessons, with a page for the answer. It is one of the warmest pages in the book to read back together.

See the Tell Me Your Story, Grandma journal, the Tell Me Your Story, Grandpa journal, the Tell Me Your Story, Mom journal or the Tell Me Your Story, Dad journal. For more ideas, read questions to ask your grandparents or browse advice and life lessons questions.