What does real friendship look like?

Why this question works

Friendship is one of the great subjects of a life, and families rarely talk about it. Children see their parents as Mom and Dad, not as somebody's best friend. This question lets your parent step into that other role and tell you about the people who showed up for them, and the times they showed up for someone else.

The word "real" does good work here. It asks your parent to sort true friends from pleasant company, and most people have a clear and well-earned view on that. You will hear what loyalty looked like in practice: the friend who drove through the night, who told an uncomfortable truth, who sat with them without needing to talk. Such stories give you a measure for your own friendships, and they are especially helpful for anyone in a stage of life where friends are changing, such as leaving school, moving to a new town or becoming a parent.

How to ask it

A natural opening is right after your parent has seen or spoken with an old friend. Ask about that person first: how they met, how long it has been. Then widen it to the question itself. It also comes up easily when you are sorting out a friendship of your own and would welcome some perspective.

Keep it conversational. Ask for a story, such as "When did a friend really come through for you?" If your parent mentions a friendship that ended, listen with interest and without pressing; there is often wisdom there too. Finish by asking what kind of friend they have tried to be. People are modest about that, and it is good for them to say it.

Other ways to word it

• How can you tell a real friend from a casual one?
• Who has been a true friend to you, and how do you know?
• What makes a friendship last for decades?
• What have your closest friends taught you?

Follow-up ideas

• Who is your oldest friend, and how did you meet?
• When did a friend show up for you when it counted?
• When did you show up for a friend?
• How do you stay close to someone who lives far away?
• Have you ever had to let a friendship go?
• What do you look for in a new friend now?
• What kind of friend do you hope I am?

An example answer

This is an invented example, written to show the kind of detail to listen for. Your dad’s answer will be his own.

"A real friend is the one who comes over without being asked. When your grandfather was in the hospital that long winter, I did not tell anyone how bad things were. I am not good at that. One Saturday there was a knock at the door, and it was my friend from the old neighborhood with a snow shovel and a bag of sandwiches."

"He did not ask how I was. He shoveled the driveway, and then he sat at this table and ate a sandwich with me, and we talked about baseball for an hour. That was all. It was exactly what I needed, and he knew it without my saying a word. So that is my answer. Plenty of people will say, 'Let me know if you need anything.' A real friend just picks up the shovel. Try to have one or two like that, and try even harder to be one."

What to write down

Write down the friend's name and the story your parent told, with the year and the place. Record how the friendship began and how the two of them have stayed close. Note your parent's own definition of a real friend, in a single sentence if you can get one. Add what kind of friend they have tried to be. It is a good page to share with a teenager.

The Tell Me Your Story journals for Dad and Mom ask a question like this one in the chapter on life lessons, on a page of its own. It is a good page for a parent to fill in slowly, with a particular friend in mind.

See the Tell Me Your Story, Dad journal or the Tell Me Your Story, Mom journal. For more ideas, read questions to ask your parents or browse advice and life lessons questions.